When your patient dies...

We work with the sickest of the sick. We deal with death a thousand times more than any other person does in their life. The last few weeks we've had an excess number of patients die. Yesterday alone we had four. I lost one of my stroke patients last Saturday and it elicited a few different emotions in me which got me writing this post.

We all deal with things differently and I am by no means sitting here now trying to tell you what is right or wrong when it comes to losing patients. I rather just want to name and perhaps normalize some of the things I feel when a patient dies. I started working with my stroke patient about 3 weeks ago and from the day I met him I knew he had already given up. He'd had a long admission in ICU with multiple complications and as I stood by his bed assessing him in rehab I felt quite frustrated by his lack of motivation because he actually had SO much potential and return of movement in his right hemi side. His wife and daughter were so involved and wanted him to get better. Every session I had with him I felt like I was forcing this man to do things. He would basically close his eyes and just exist in my sessions. As an OT I see potential, I see what could be and I knew this man could stand and walk again. But he did not want to. Last Saturday he deteriorated and after an hour of resus he passed away. He had had another big stroke.

When I saw the message that he'd passed away I felt relieved for him. I knew in my heart that he was at peace and it was what he wanted. Then I started having all this guilt and spiraling thoughts of how I had forced and pushed him during therapy and essentially his last 2 weeks of life. Maybe I should have let him stay in bed. Later that day I felt really sad but also questioned why I felt sad because he wasn't anyone I "knew". I'd literally met him 2 weeks before.

What I'd like to say to any of you out there is this. Whatever emotions come up when a patient dies let them be. None are wrong and none are right. Sometimes, I would have worked with a patient for months, they pass away and I feel NOTHING. I literally carry on with my next patient or cooking dinner for my toddler.

And other times I cry and feel sad for days for a patient I worked with once or twice. Often it's the patients who feel close to home. The man with a CVA who is your dad's age. Or the young child who could be your toddler. Don't feel guilty or bad for how you feel and react. As long as you can recognize it and you have ways to work through it then that's ok❤️